If you know me, you know I am mostly a black and white kind of person.  I am a check yes or no type of person.  I like to see or have the outcome in mind.  I like to know what the answer will be.  Sure, I have learned to just go with the flow on some things in life; but, I guess the teacher part in me likes to have things planned out – knowing what will come next, and having an idea in my mind of how it will turn out.  I am a planner at heart. 

But, here lately nothing has been black or white.  Tonight I was just driving down the road, just reflecting upon life.  I began wondering and asking Father (for like the millionth time in the past week), “Why can’t things just be a yes or no, why can’t there just be a check box?...Where answers are obvious – where there are no question marks….”    

Each time I ask, I get the same response.  I think that often times Father doesn’t always give us the point blank answer, He doesn’t give us a black and white ending picture, He doesn’t give us that yes or no box, because He wants us to trust in Him.  He wants us to fully surrender those items that are causing questions, hurt, and pain over to Him.  He wants us to lay it down at His feet, giving it all over to Him, and TRUST that He will take care of it all.  Our Father loves us beyond all recognition, beyond anything we can ever comprehend….He feels every hurt and pain that we have.  He knows every emotion we have, every thought we have. 

BUT, He yearns for us to let him take these burdens and just completely give them over to Him, knowing that He already knows the answer to these questions, He already knows which way things will go…

I admit – it is hard at times.  I fail daily at this.  I am such a strong willed person that I feel I should find out every answer, I should understand every unknown, and those that I don’t understand I want to discover and find out for myself as quickly as possible……

BUT, this is not what we are called to do.  In these times of questions, Father calls us to sit quietly, wait patiently, and trust fully in Him.  He calls us to spend time in His word, drawing closer to Him….fully surrendering life over to Him. 

So, as you go through the duration of this week, I ask that you pr@y for me to do just this.  And I challenge you to try this as well.  We serve a mighty, mighty, MIGHTY BIG Father who loves us deeper than anyone could, and cares for us in ways we will never understand.  He goes before us, never leaving us in these times alone. 

Tomorrow, is a big day for our family!  As we have faced many unknowns the past few weeks, we finally got some results in.  Eddie’s biopsy did show that the lymph nodes outside the lungs and neck were cancer – the same type as we had found before – neuroendocrine carcinoma.  On the positive side, the MRI found nothing in the brain, and the CT found nothing in the stomach!  We did have at PET scan today, and will be on our way to see Doctor Vatca again first thing tomorrow morning.  Upon seeing her in the morning, Eddie will begin chemo treatments tomorrow afternoon! 

Sure, there were a lot of questions answered by these results.  But, our family still has many, many questions.  When we have family discussions my answer is always, “Well, that is still one big question mark….”  We don’t have all of the answers in going through this – and honestly I still can’t help but want to ask the Father WHY…But, at the same time I cannot help but smile.  Am I smiling because I am happy…No.  My heart breaks for my family.  But, I know that our Father holds the ultimate answers to all of this – we know that He has a big, big plan that one day we will get answers to.  So, in the mean time we are going to continue pr@ising Him and sharing His love with those around us.

Tomorrow, we will be in the doctors office for most of the time.  Please pr@y that we….

 A.  keep a positive, strong outlook, as that can be hard to do at times

 B.  that He breaks our hearts, opens our eyes, and shows us people that we can share His love with!

Tomorrow, we will be surrounded by people going through the same situation we are.  There will be people of all walks of life that we will come into contact with during this time, I can only hope that Dad places the right people in our paths that we can show His love to!  There is work to be done for His Kingdom, no matter where you are! 

We will let you know how tomorrow goes!  J 

Key Verses:

Psalm 46:10-“Be still, and know that I am G0d.”

John 16:33 -“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

AND, yet again my friends, dig into Job!  Job 33:12-33.  Job is my best friend right now.  This mans biggest trial was not his pain, but rather understanding why he was suffering.  He shows us that we must learn to trust in the Father who is GOOD!

No Scapegoats...Walking the Hard Road with Him

Life is nearly always divided into two roads – the hard road or the easy road.  We all know that life isn’t always simple and perfect; but, in the midst of those difficult times one can nearly always find a scapegoat and/or a way out.  But, what is the point of that?   Should we always be looking for that easy road?  

I don’t think so.
 

Multiple times over, in scripture, we can see that the Father tells us, shows us, and provides us with the knowledge and preparation for the reality that life is going to be hard.  And that it is in those moments where we must truly put our trust and faith in Him; knowing that as we walk that hard road, He will be there not to just hold our hand, but go before us making a way. 

And what a beautiful promise this has been for our family this year. 

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A year ago from today our hearts sank to the pits of our stomach as the doctors said that dreaded C word that makes one cringe upon hearing – Eddie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Many times in life we as humans can prepare ourselves for that unwanted hard road, like cancer; if we know what is to be expected during our travel.  However, the tables quickly turn and our attitude must quickly be adjusted when our idea of a hard road, is nowhere close to the reality. 

And for us, that is exactly what happened. 

As we prepared for Eddie’s results to come back as cancerous, we felt good about our options and the type of cancer we thought we would be dealing with…But, all of that changed quickly as we learned we were completely wrong – and we were dealing with a monster.  Neuroendocrine Carcinoma – aka – small cell lung cancer. 
  

As we sat in those first appointments I remember the hurt in Dr. V’s voice, the seriousness in her tone as she told us this was no game to play around with.  As my heart just needed to hear what stage we were dealing with, I was floored when she told us there wasn’t one – we were beyond that.  We were past stage four. 

As Dr. V sat and told us what our options were, what statistics were like…as our hearts continued to break...We realized we were no longer on the “hard road.”  We quickly surpassed that, and by medical statistics were looking at a dead end. 

But, there was one statement that Dr. V made that I know gave us all the clarity we could ever need.  There was nothing better she could have said, nothing truer that she could have said than this: “….But, I am not God.” 

In today’s society, with the technology and medical advancements that have been made, it is easy for us as humans to turn directly to the power found in that – finding hope in only the medical options and what the doctors can do for us.  And when those options, those statistics are not very promising, it is easy for us to cave in, to give up, and to have no hope.  Seeking whatever means possible to not be in pain, to be happy, to be able, to not cause hurt to anyone else, to escape the situation that we are currently in. 

But personally, I do not think that is right.  I do not think that is why He calls us into that hard time, why He calls us to walk down that hard road.  He doesn’t call us to do hard, only to escape through easy.  He calls us to hard, He call us to impossible, so that we will run straight to Him with arms wide open, finding ourselves falling at His feet, turning fully to Him.   

As Fain, Alli, and I sat outside on the curb of the doctor’s office, after hearing this dreaded first news…I remember looking at Fain as we both sat desperately hurting and grasping for hope and said, “We have two options.  We can sit and cry, being mad and upset, OR we can look for Him in this situation – looking for ways to serve Him and make Him known, and trusting in Him in every step we take.” 

And I couldn’t be more thankful that I have a family who chose option two….A family who not only chose that hard road, to fight, but chose to sprint after Him not allowing anything to tear us apart from His provision over this situation. 

As we sit here at the one year mark, I can’t help but praise Him for this year for His faithfulness.  By no means has this been an easy year at all.  It has been one of the hardest that our family has gone through.  But, as I said before, the Father doesn’t promise us that life is always going to be easy…This is only one of many, but look at this scripture from John.

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world."

This doesn't say that you may have tribulation.  No it says, "you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world." And this last part is where we have found our hope this past year.  Where we have found our peace.  Where we have found our strength in the valleys of this year.  He has overcome the world! 

I am currently reading through the book of Matthew.  As I have sat this week reading over teh miracles and healings that Christ performed during His time here on Earth, I keep reading and rereading one particular word over and over and over again - FAITH.  As we read about Christ's healing of the sick, we constantly see Him saying "because you believed it, it has happened," "because of your faith, it will happen," and so on...

That faith alone, in Him, is what has sustained us this year; and what continues to sustain us.  We know that He has not only heard our hearts cries, but has blessed us with reason to turn those tears into joy.  We know that He has felt our anger and has turned that anger into peace.  We serve a Father who has heard every single one of our desperate prayers and has ultimately provided and covered each of those. 

I left on a plane in April saying goodbye; a goodbye that I wondered would be my last as I looked at doctor's standards and statistics.  But ultimately, finding peace and joy in the goodbye when the Father gave me His comfort and provision over the situation.  Knowing that He was holding Eddie in His hands, that He had a plan to use Eddie, and trusting that He wasn't going to allow this goodbye to be the last.  And how faithful those promises have been. 

As I sit here today, we look at Eddie and stand amazed at how the Father has used Him and taken care of Him.  He has opened doors for Eddie to share His testimony, and ultimately make Himself known.  He has constantly provided doctors who are providing and working hard to take care adn give the best treatments possible.  Eddie, for the most part, has been able to do.  There have most definitely been some trying days; but, overall, he is still able to do whatever he puts his crazy mind to.  And what a beautiful thing to see! 

Our God has surpassed medical standards and statistics.  He called us to trust, we have, and He has ultimately proven that He is greater!  There is nothing more beautiful than that. 

So for me, I want to say THANK YOU!  Than you not only to our Heavenly Father who continues to blow me away each day, but also to Eddie and my mom.  Thank you for not backing down.  Thank you for putting your full hearts, trust, and faith in Him - ultimately knowing that He is taking care of this situation and holding you both in His hand.  Thank you for showing us what it means to live a life not of fear, but of hope and peace.  Thank you for keeping a positive attitude.  Thank you for not putting your faith in the statistics, but in Him.  Thank you for taking the hard road with the best attitude any two people could ever have and not once looking back! 

Today, as you head to the doctors, we are praying just like we do every day  - praying for the Father to take care of you, Eddie.  Trusting in the Father to provide, no matter what results we receive.  Resting in His provision and love for you; knowing His plan for you is beyond our comprehension and overwhelmingly beautiful. 

You may be chubby cheeked, but I am thankful for those chubby cheeks and the fact that I will be running down the terminal in one month with arms wide open hugging you!  I can't stinking wait.  

But, also, thank you to our prayer warriors.  The Father has graciously blessed us with an amazing support system that has been relentlessly faithful in praying for Eddie, our family, and our situation.  Thank you for meals that were provided and for people who took time to ride with Eddie to the doctors.  THANK YOU.  We know that the Father has heard each and everyone of those prayers, has seen each of your hands reaching out and helping, and we know that those will not go without reward.  Without you, without your support, without your encouragement, this hard road would have been a million times more difficult.  Thank you for making life a bit easier this past year, but please don't stop!  Don't stop praying and lifting Eddie up each day. 

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I also just want to encourage anyone else who might be reading this blog, and may be walking a road that forever seems to be hard, difficult, and at times impossible.  Don't give up!  Don't give in.  Don't try to find the easy way out. 

I know that just in my network of people there are several others who are facing this same dreaded sickness that my family is facing today - be it an adult, a child, or a baby.  I just want to encourage you to not give up the fight, to not back down.  Wake up each morning diving into the Word, relying on His promises for that day to pull you through and help you thrive in this hard time.  Find peace in knowing that He is reaching out His hand to yo, desiring to not only love you through this time, to not only walk through life with you during this time, but to USE you!!  And there is nothing more powerful than allowing the Holy Spirit to guide your walk and your steps as you face this time in your life; allowing Him to use you and be His light in this dark world. 

Be encouraged today.  Rest in Him today.  You don't have to face this hardship alone; there is something so much more beautiful...Turn to HIM. 

Foundations

Let me be upfront in saying this – I am by no means a contractor, builder, nor anything of the sorts.  I know very little about the structuring of a house.  The basis of what I know about houses is what I can judge with my eye – whether I think it is pretty or not.  Typical girl. J  However, one thing that I have learned over the years, is that no matter how pretty a house is, before you purchase one you want to make sure that it’s foundation is solid – firm, long lasting, and without need of repair. 

Some of the houses that I find to be of most beauty are older ones – they offer character that you can rarely find in current, modern day homes.  However, with an older home, obviously there comes older everything…including an older, worn out foundation.  With time, these once perfectly flawless foundations often will need a boost, a rebuild, a repair, and an update.  

Sometimes these repairs can be a quick simple fix; however, more times than not (by the time that you realize things are in need of repair) it becomes far from cheap and far from a quick fix.  However, with money, with time, with hard work, with knowledge of the situation, with patience….eventually it can become just like new again (and sometimes even better than it was the first time around!). 

This morning – I was able to escape to a local coffee shop and simply spend some time with my Father, diving into His Word.  Often times, in my quiet time, I try to incorporate that days Proverbs and Psalms.  So today, I was reading Proverbs 10 and the Father threw this scripture at me…

“When the storms of life come, the wicked are whirled away, but the godly have a lasting foundation.” Proverbs 10:25.

And like a swift slap across the cheek, He got me again…

I like to think of myself as a God fearing woman, who is willing to trust Him with everything in me – I mean lets be real, I have spent the past year and a half living in Paris doing life His way (far from any desire I ever had…).  I like to think the foundation of my life was, has been, and represents that of a life grounded in Him. 

But, just like an old house…In the midst of life’s storm today, this old foundation started falling apart piece by piece.  It was in desperate need of remodeling, rebuilding, and restructuring. 

From mid August to mid October, my relationship with the Father was far from where it should have been.  My daily quiet times were being overtaken by life’s busy schedule.  My prayer life was completely falling apart, and was being overruled with harsher tears of crying out.  My ministry to those around me was being over powered by the foggy mindedness of worry and lack of sleep.  My love for, and my giving of thanks to Him was being consumed with questioning, doubt, and hurt….

While on the outside, I was able to keep my appearance up and put on a smile….Inside, my foundation, my relationship with the Father, was slowly crumbling. 

Fear.  Confusion.  Hurt.  Frustration.  Doubt.  All things from the evil one were slowly creeping in…And it was up to me to allow such deterioration in my foundation (in my relationship with the Father) to continue, or to quickly start repairing and rebuilding. 

…What I love so deeply about my Father is that He by no means expects me to be perfect.  At all.  When I desire to be perfect, when I strive daily to be perfect, He laughs and finds some way to show me how He not only uses, but adores my imperfections.  He is the keeper of my heart and through my imperfections He manages to draw me closer and closer to Him – daily causing me to love Him more.

So in the midst of this crumbling foundation, He grabbed my hand harder and pulled me in closer…Revealing and reminding me just how deep His love for me runs.   

Together, through His undying love for me and over my life, we started filling in those crumbling holes and reaffirming my foundation in Him to where it should be. 

Is this natural?  I like to think so.  I hope I’m not the only one out there who has breaking points, who allows worrying and life to creep in and begin to steel daily joys, daily truths, that He so eagerly wants to reveal.

So, if you are finding yourself in a similar situation to this today, let me offer 3 tips for how to start rebuilding that foundation in Him…these are the ways He pulled me through.

1.  Life can get busy!  Days can seemingly somehow feel shorter and shorter…Certain things MUST get done…And Jesus can get put on the back burner.  Don’t feel bad, we’ve all been there and done it.  But this one thing is imperative to our daily groundings, our daily walk with Him.  If you find yourself with a crumbling foundation, double check and make sure that you are spending quality time with the Father each day.  Even if that is only 10minutes a day in the Word, and prayers taking place in the car on the way to work – fuel the soul, start your day with Him. Tell Him what is hurting you, what is bothering you, consuming you, and getting in the way of your relationship with Him.  Cry to Him.  Lay life before Him, lay life at His feet, and watch Him work in you from that point forward….

2.  You are who you hang out with…We’ve all heard this one as a kid.  And the older I get, the more I see how true it is.  Are we supposed to hang out with and share life with the lost, with the abandoned, with the “misfits” of this world….Absolutely YES.  We are commanded to love all of His people.  But, while this is a commandment, make sure that your life is also shared with fellow believers that can hold you accountable, keep you in check, refuel you, and speak words of wisdom and encouragement to your life. 

3.  Get involved in a church – I will admit, in France, my biggest struggle was church on Sunday mornings.  When it should have been a time of refreshment, it was the exact opposite.  I dreaded Sunday mornings – I couldn’t understand a thing.  I found that if I catch the page number we were singing from, I had a successful day.   I whole heartedly missed engaging in life with fellow believers, and being taught the Word.  If your foundation is crumbling before your feet, evaluate your church life…Are you going?  If not, is there somewhere you could plug into?...Church isn’t just held in big steepled buildings like we Americans know them to be.  Scripture tells us that where two or more are gathered together, there He will be.  If there isn’t an “American style church” around you, are there other believers who also aren’t attending that you could meet and gather with weekly?  Is there a home available on your street for small groups to be held?  We can all make excuses for this area.  Don’t.  Plug in, get involved. 

At some point and time, for many of us, this breaking of our foundation,  happens more than just one time in our lives…Life gets messy, and our foundations grow weak, and thus becomes in need of repair!  It’s totally okay.  It’s totally normal.  Know that you aren’t the only one who has been through this.  But, be raw, be real, be truthful…Acknowledge the situation you are in, get on those knees, cry out to Him, and watch Him love you through.  And more than likely, by the end of the journey, I bet you’ll see yourself with a deeper relationship, a stronger foundation that you ever had before!  

The Darkest Place I Have Been Yet

Yesterday I went bike riding with my roommates.  As you can imagine, this first time experience included a few circles, several unknown paths, and perhaps one bike with no breaks causing someone to almost run head first into an ambulance….But, mostly, it involved huge smiles, lots of laughter, and great memories.  As we were biking to explore the park near our home, I began to feel as though for just a few moments of time, I had managed to escape the City life.  The paths were filled with nothing but greenery, quietness, and His beauty.  And as we came upon other adventurers, there was that rebellious part of me that wanted to say, “It’s a dog, eat dog world.  Passing on the left.”  Just as I had done a few years back with my family on the Virginia Creeper Trail.  But, I decided for the betterment of society to keep my mouth closed for the day.  To say the least, this was a perfect, much needed escape from a day of inside research and work. 

As we had biked for about an hour and half, after having sat in awe at the beauty found within this magnificent park, we decided to head home.  Somehow we had wound up at the Foundation Louis Vutton – so this alone should let you know this mark was quite glamorous, filled with beauty, for the eyes of the wealthy. 

As we headed home, I noticed these girls in lingerie.  As we rode by, my innocent (or rather perhaps, ignorant heart) was quickly looking for the photographer – wondering, “Who’s this shoot for?  Is this important?  Famous people?  What’s going on?....”  But, we just kept on riding, finding no photographer insight.  As we proceeded to ride for less than thirty seconds more, there was another woman.  And then another….Quickly, my innocent heart of thinking I was riding through a photoshoot, turned into the realization that I was in the heart of prostitution. 

As it was, with dead cell phones, and only previous decisions of our route to go off of, we had no option but to stay on this road for its full duration.  And I can’t help but feel confident that the Father knew exactly where He was leading us to – and that He fully wanted our eyes open to what was taking place on “Margarita Road.”  He knew our phones were going to die, and He liked that they did – He didn’t want us to deviate off this course, but rather stay the course and be heartbroken in ways I didn’t know were possible.

As we rode along this road, which probably took us about twenty-ish minutes to complete, we saw somewhere between thirty to fifty women standing on the side of the road - ranging anywhere from a couple years younger than me, to one my grandmothers age.  We saw women standing at 3:30pm in nothing more than lingerie – something that a woman should only wear in her home for her husband, not on the street for all to see.  And even worse, who knows how many women were already engaging in activities, within enclosed parked vehicles along the side of the road, that we didn’t see.

This road was lined with vans, big and small, new and old.  The vans were marked with colored ribbons, and women standing close by.  And occasionally, a pimp.  Standing guard watching “his women,” to make sure that they were working and fulfilling the “duties” given to them. 

While riding past one van, the door slid open.  While the pimp checked to make sure that all was okay, a man exited the van, while another man (who was anxiously waiting in the woods) stepped inside.  And the pimp returned to the front of the van, standing outside – keeping close eye on the other girls and passer-byes.

This is when I began to notice that the woods were filled with men.  Men waiting for their “woman” of choice to become available. 

And in this exact moment, this is when I realized that what I was seeing was more than likely not just voluntary prostitution – but, also, more than likely, many of these women were victims of illegal sex trafficking.     

As we continued to ride through this, I could not help but to continue to stare – shocked, in pain, breaking for what was being shown to me. 

Among the most beautiful park I have ever seen, there was the ugliest, most gut wrenching thing I had ever seen.

This was something I had seen in movies, but never really placed into my mind as being true, as real, as a way of life.  Literally a way of life.  As I saw one grandmother, I realized that this “industry” was truly a career; a way of life for so many of these women.  It was all, and will be all, that they know themselves as.  Their source of pride is based off of how many men asked for them, and came to see them that day.  And how much money they made.  

This was, without doubt, the most heartbreaking thing that I have seen in this City yet.

The rest of last night, I didn’t desire to speak to anyone about anything else – I couldn’t even think about anything else.  I just continued to rewind and replay the things I had seen.  I continued to ask myself how this is possible.  How do women feel this unloved, this uncared for, this desperate, this unfulfilled, this unworthy – that only this style of life brings them some sort of self-dignity?  How does one see that “owning” women, that “buying” innocent young girls, and forcing them into this life is anywhere close to okay?  How do men have such a desire that they would pay a woman, and use her as though she is merely nothing more than a source of pleasure?  How does pleasure even exist in this world of darkness, when the actions being performed are meant for sacred love, between a husband and wife?  How many women on this road are drugged?  How many women on this road have had abortions?  How many lives have been lost, ruined, and broken?

While I rode along this path of darkness, while the darkness crept inside my soul, and filled my heart with anxiety, my thought became – “Thank you Father for showing me this road today.  Thank you for opening my eyes to this.  There was no mistake in you revealing this to us today.  This is a perfect place for ‘work,’ just show us what to do next, and how to make you known to these beautiful women.  Show us how to make them realize their WORTH IN YOU.” 

And this is exactly all I have thought about since.  All I simply want to do is to rent my little velib’ bike.  Ride back over to “Margarita Road,” grab those beautiful women’s faces, and tell them they are WORTHY.  They are LOVED.  They are CARED FOR.  They were beautifully and wonderfully made for something FAR GREATER than this…..

 

So that is where you come in! 

I am begging you to have a burdened heart for these women.  I am begging you to pray daily for these women on “Margarita Road.” 

These women are of different ethnicities – from all different walks across the globe.  They are lost, and we are called to shed light, to love on the lost of this world – no matter who they are.

So I am asking you to pray that the Father reveals to us what steps He would have for us to take next.  That He shows us how to do life, to shed light, with the women on this road.  Will it be through my roommates and I, or will it be through someone else? 

I have no idea what will come next.  

We do plan on prayer biking through this area weekly.  And from there, we are praying that He shows us what to do next.  So I ask for you to pray over this with us too! 

Physically Hurting. Spiritually Filled. There Is No Greater Gift.

As most of you know I was able to go home December eighteenth to spend Christmas with my family.  Let me tell you, there was nothing sweeter to me, than seeing the smiles of my family and friends, after having been gone for eight and a half months.  As I sat at Chili’s for dinner that first night, with my mom, step-dad, and sister there was nothing else that I could have asked for.  I was back at home, surrounded by those I loved…and was about to be surrounded in love for the next week, by people who have truly captured my heart, impacted my life, and helped to mold me into who I am.  It was about to be a beautiful time!

 

…And beautiful those next nine days were! 

There were thirty people who came through our home on Saturday, and tons more that I saw after that.  It was a week filled with a constant flow of smiling faces, warm hugs, new babies to hold, new faces to meet and be introduced to, many laughs to be had, and lots of news to get caught up on.  There were roads of freedom to be driven on – with the music blaring and the capability to sing as loud as I could ever want.  There was a massive yard to walk around in, with our crazy pup Josie, where all I could hear was the peace of a flowing river; instead of mass transits.  I had everything I had been longing for right back in my arms….

Amazing it most definitely was. 

Yet, at the same time I seemingly found myself completely broken and torn.  I found myself facing fear and doubt like I had never experienced before.  Ever. 

As my heart was filled with the joy of seeing my step-dad again, my heart was ripped apart as I saw the pain that he was in.  As I sat there and watched him, one of the strongest men I have ever known, now become physically unable to do much of anything – the reality of what had/has been going on while I have been gone finally sat in.  And instead of turning to the Father – instead of hitting my knees in prayer - I again thought I could handle things on my own.  I thought I could just push it aside and harbor those feelings.  I was wrong. 

In the midst of having this perfect week, in which I had been waiting on for months – there was this mass anxiety that began to creep in…slowly…then gradually suffocating and consuming my ever being.  There would be times at night where I couldn't sleep, and when I could, I would wake up grasping for air several times.  As the week progressed, this anxiety grew to a point of where it physically hurt to breathe. 

Of course, being me, I tried to think of every reason it could have been besides anxiety.  I spent majority of the week trying to figure out what was wrong.  Ridiculous really.  

It wasn't until Saturday night, two days before leaving, that I finally broke down.  As I sat upstairs in my room, trying to work on my presentation for church the following day, I kept finding myself getting distracted with fear.  I was constantly asking myself - are you going back….why are you going back…how are you leaving your family…what are you doinggggggggggg….??????

But, just as the evil one filled my head with those thoughts, how beautiful to know that I serve a bigger Father who also knew all of this.  He knew what was going on and He knew it was going to happen.  He knew that my flight home would be a bit scary, there would be a plane missing that Saturday night before I was to leave again on Monday, and as a result I would be nervous in traveling back.  He knew that there would be small terrorist attacks in France, and that would scare me.  He knew that I would be broken at seeing Eddie in pain.  And as a result, He knew that I would question my going back to France.  He knew that my week would be so packed with everyone else, and consumed by life, that I would forgot to spend time with Him…resulting in a means for the evil one to creep in.  He knew that all of this would result in me being filled with anxiety, and that on the inside I would be hurting like never before.  He knew that all of this would occur ahead of time and that my stubbornness would come to a head and would desperately be in need of HIM! 

And thank Him for knowing that.

As I sat upstairs that night – the house completely dark due to the lights hurting Eddie’s eyes – I sat listening to the sweet voice of my mother reading to Eddie.  As they talked she began catching him up on Facebook…as they began discussing someone’s post, I heard Eddie say – “I believe in prayer.  We can’t always believe in the numbers, statistics, and what doctors say – but, we can believe in prayer.  And knowing that prayer changes thing.” 

God knew that was what I needed.  I not only needed to hear these exact words – to be reminded to give everything over to Him – but He also knew from whose mouth I needed to hear the words come from.  I needed to hear Eddie, a man in pain, speak these fighting words of truth. 

So, as I went to bed that night, I laid on my bed, arms wide open, and just cried out to the Father…. Begging Him to rid me of this doubt, of this fear, of this hurt and anxiety that consumed me.  And to fill me with nothing but Him.  To fill me with His joy, His confidence, and His love.  To trust Him with every fiber of my being. 

I’d love to tell you that my anxiety ceased right then, immediately. But, it didn't.  All of life, that had posed the anxiety for me during the week, was still there Sunday morning when I woke up.  In fact, it was all still there Monday as I left my house, boarded my first flight, and realized that they were going to be keeping Eddie at the hospital for a few days. 

So when did it cease….

During my first flight I can’t tell you how many times I clicked replay for the song “Called Me Higher.”  I can’t tell you how many prayers I prayed.  How hard I had to swallow to keep from throwing up fear.  Or, how many times I looked at a necklace (Christmas present) that says “let your faith be bigger than your fear.” 

That first flight was a major battle. 

But, as I boarded that second flight – that is when His peace flooded me.

So why then?  Why didn't He grant me that peace when I asked for it Saturday night?  Why didn't He grant me that peace on Monday before leaving?  Why didn't He allow all of the fear to be removed immediately? 

God doesn't always call us to easy.  He doesn't always call us to a perfect smooth sailing kind of life.  A lot of times He calls us to hard.  It is up to us to decide how we handle the hard – if we try to push through it in our own strength, or if we are willing to fully and wholeheartedly surrender the hard over to Him – trusting in Him with all we have. 

I don’t think that I fully gave my fear, my anxieties, over to Him until that second flight.  I know that I had a ton of people praying for me, and I knew that I was praying myself.  But, I still was trying to hold on and be in control of it all. 

It wasn't until I gave it all over to him fully that He provided me with the peace I had been begging for.  For the comfort that I needed. 

This Christmas was much different than any I had ever experienced before.  It was far deeper than the traditional Christmas tree and present giving type of Christmas.  This year, I was reminded that He is the only present that I will ever need.  That His comfort, His peace, His faithfulness, His love is all I will ever need, and that forsaking it, trying to control life on my own accord (as I often try to do), just isn't possible. 

THANK YOU to those of you who have been praying for my family and myself.  We do believe in the power of prayer, and we are thankful for the prayer and support system that we are blessed to have.  There is nothing more reassuring than having friends and family who we know are praying us through this journey, holding our hands, and walking this road with us!  We love you all. 

I am so thankful for the opportunity that I had to see many of you while I was home.  And for those who we couldn't get our times to work out to meet, I do apologize.  But, know that I still love you and appreciate you all the same! 

Love you all.  

A Year of Walking the Hard Road

Life is nearly always divided into two roads - the hard road or the easy road.  We all know that life isn't always simple and perfect; but, in the midst of those difficult times one can nearly always find a scapegoat and/or a way out.  But, what is the point of that?  Should we always be looking for that easy road?  

I don't think so. 

Multiple times over, in scripture, we can see that the Father tells us, shows us, and privdes us with the knowledge and preparation for the reality that life is going to be hard.  And that it is in those moments where we must truly put our trust and faith in Him; knowing that as we walk that hard road, He will be there not to just hold our hand, but to go before us making a way  And what a beautiful promise this has been for our family this year. 

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A year ago today our hearts sank to the pits of our stomach as the doctors said that dreaded C word that makes one cringe upon hearing - Eddie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Many times in life we as humans can prepare ourselves for that unwanted hard road, like cancer; if we know what is to be expected during our travel.  However, the tables quickly turn and our attitude must quickly be adjusted when our idea of a hard road, is nowhere close to the reality.  

And, for us that is exactly what happened. 

As we prepared for Eddie's results to come back as cancerous, we felt good about our options and the type of cancer we thought we would be dealing with...But, all of that changed quickly as we learned that we were completely wrong - and were dealing with a monster.  Neuroendocrine Carcinoma - aka - small cell lung cancer. 

As we sat in those first appointments I remember the hurt in Dr. V's voice, the seriousness in her tone as she told us this was no game to play around with .  As my heart just needed to hear what stage we were dealing with, I was floored when she told us there wasn't one - we were beyond that.  We were past stage four. 

As Dr. V sat and told us what our options were, what statistics were like...as our hearts continued to break...We realized we were no longer on the "hard road."  We were quickly surpassed that, and by medical statistics were looking at a dead end road. 

But, there was one statement that Dr. V made that I know gave us all the clarity we could ever need.  There was nothing better she could have said, nothing truer that she could have said than this:  "...But, I am not God." 

In today's society, with the technology and medical advancements that have been made, it is easy for us as humasn to turn directly to the power found in that - finding hope in only the medical options and what the doctors can do for us.  And when those options, those statistics are not very promising, it is easy for us to cae in, to give up, and to have no hope.  Seeking whatever means possible to not be in pain, to be happy, to be able, to not cause hurt to anyone else, to escape the situation that we are currently in. 

But personally, I do not think that is right.  I do not think that is hwy He calls us into that hard time, whe He calls ut walk down that hard road.  He doesn't call us to do hard, only to escape through easy.  He calls us to hard, He calls us to impossible, so that we will run straight to Him with arms wide open, finding ourselves falling at His feet, turning full to Him. 

As Fain, Alli, and I sat outside on the curb of the doctor's office, after hearing this dreaded first news...I remember looking at Fain as we both sat desperately hurting and grasping for hope and said, "We have two options.  We can sit and cry, being mad and upset, OR we can look for Him in this situation - looking for ways to serve Him and make Him known, trusting in Him in every step we take."

And I couldn't be more thankful that I have a family who chose option two.  A family that not only chose that hard road, to fight but chose to sprint after Him not allowing anything to tear us apart from His provision over this situation. 

As we sit here at the one year mark, I can't help but praise Him this year for His faithfulness.  By no means has this year been an easy year at all.  It has been one of the hardest that our family has gone through.  But, as I said before, the Father doesn't promise us that life is always going to be easy...This is only one of many, but look at this scripture from John....

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart, I have overcome the world." 

This doesn't say that you may have tribulation.  No it says, "You will have tribulation.  But, take heart; I have overcome the world."  And this last part is where we have found our hope this past year.  Where we have found our peace.  Where we have found our strength in the valleys of this year.  He has overcome the world. 

I am currently reading through the book of Matthew.  As I have sat this week reading over the miracles and healings that Christ performed during His time here on Earth, I keep reading and rereading one particular word over and over and over again - FAITH.  As we read about Christ's healing of the sick, we constantly see Him saying "because you believed it, it has happened," "because of your faith, it will happen," and so on..

That faith alone, in Him, is what has sustained us this year; and what continues to sustain us.  We know that He has not only heard our hearts cries, but has blessed us with a reason to turn those tears into joy.  We know that He has felt our anger and has turned that anger into peace.  We serve a Father who has heard every single one of our desperate prayers and has ultimately provided and covered each of those. 

I left on a plane in April saying goodbye; a goodbye that I questioned would be my last as I looked at doctor's standards and statistics.  But ultimately, finding peace and joy in the goodbye when the Father gave me His comfort and provision over the situation.  Knowing that He was holding Eddie in His hands, that He had a plan to use Eddie, and trusting that He wasn't going to allow that goodbye to be the last.  And how faithful those promises have been. 

As I sit here today, we look at Eddie and stand amazed at how the Father has used Him and taken care of Him.  He has opened doors for Eddie to share His testimony, and ultimately make Himself known.  He has constantly provided doctors who are providing and working hard to take care of and give Eddie the best treatments possible.  Eddie, for the most part, has been able to do.  There have most definitely been some trying days; but, overall, he is still able to do whatever he puts his crazy mind to.  And what a beautiful things to see! 

Our God has surpassed medical standards and statistics.  He called us to trust, we have, and He has ultimately proven that He is greater!  There is nothing more amazing. 

So, for me, I want to say THANK YOU.  Thank you not only to our Heavenly Father who continues to blow me away each day; but, also to Eddie and Mom.  Thank you for not backing down.  Thank you for putting your full hearts, trust, and faith in Him - ultimately knowing that He is taking care of this situation and holding you both in His hand.  Thank you for showing us what it means to live a life not of fear, but of hope and peace.  Thank you for keeping a positive attitude.  Thank you for not putting your faith in the statistics, but in Him.  Thank you for taking the hard road with the best attitude any two people could ever have and not once looking back! 

Today, as you head to the doctors, we are praying just like we do every day - praying for the Father to take care of you, Eddie.  Trusting in the Father to provide; no matter what results we receive.  Resting in His provision and love for you; knowing His plan for you is beyond our comprehension and overwhelmingly beautiful. 

You may be chubby cheeked, but I am thankful for those chubby cheeks and the fact that I will be running down the terminal in one month with arms wide open hugging you!  I can't stinking wait!

But, also THANK YOU to our prayer warriors.  The Father has graciously blessed us with an amazing support system that has been relentlessly faithful in praying for Eddie, our family, and our situation.  Thank you for meals that were provided and for people who took time to ride with Eddie to the doctors.  Thank you!  We know that the Father has heard each one of those prayers, and He has seen each one of your hands reaching out and helping, and we know that those will not go without reward.  Without you, without your support, without your encouragement, this hard road would have been a million times more difficult.  Thank you for making life a bit easier this past year, and please don't stop!  Don't stop praying and lifting Eddie up each day. 

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I also want to encourage anyone else who might be reading this blog, and may be walking a road that forever seems to be hard, difficult, and at times impossible.  Don't give up.  Don't try to find the easy way out. 

I know that just in my network of people there are several others who are facing this same dreaded sickness - whether is is an adult, a child, or a baby.  I just want to encourage each of you to not give up the fight, to not back down.  Wake up each morning diving into the Word, relying on His promises for that that day to pull you through and help you thrive in this hard time.  Find peace in knowing that He is reaching out His hand to you, desiring to not only love you through this time, to not only walk through life with you during this time, but to USE you!  And there is nothing more powerful than allowing the Holy Spirit to guide your walk and your steps as you face this time in your life; allowing Him to use you and be His light in this dark world. 

Be encouraged today.  Rest in Him today.  You don't have to face this hardship alone;  there is something so much more beautiful than that...Turn to HIM!  

Erasers

My type A teacher self, loves erasers!  

I love the beauty of knowing that although I mess up (which I do a lot) it is perfectly acceptable and okay; due to the fact that the error can easily be erased and removed – never to be seen again, covered by something more beautiful and perfect. 

The problem however comes when I often times wish this same concept would apply to the real world.

 There have been so many times in my life where I have yearned for one of those big, fat, dull pink erasers to come through and just eliminate what I have done wrong…Only to leave that portion of my life brand new again.  What I would give to erase words, actions, hurts, misconceptions, conversations, and fights…..

The bad news:  no big eraser, like this, can be purchased from Walmart or Target.

The good news:  a greater eraser, a permanent eraser does exist.

Although there is no tangible eraser that will remove all of the mistakes we make in life – as we all do make mistakes (multiple ones for me) each day.  There is an eternal eraser that promises to not only erase, but to forgive each one of our daily mistakes, and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

You see, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t mess up….I am not more than a mere human, who naturally is sinful by nature.  And, as those mess up’s occur, I tend to beat myself up.  Not only do I tend to desperately try and erase the mistake, but I also try to correct it…all on my own accord – whether that means apologizing for wrong doings or just completely redoing whatever I have messed up.   However, I never seem to be able to clear the mistake and make that area clear again.  It just never happens that way.

 

But, the beauty is this….

I serve a Father who does hold an eraser.  An eternal one.  I serve a Father who lovingly and graciously has mercy upon me every single day.  Not only does He erase every one of my mistakes, but upon me seeking His forgiveness, He wipes my slate clean – brand new, perfectly white. 

And there is nothing more beautiful, more powerful, more comforting than that.

He forever erases.

Know Him.  Go to Him.  Seek Him. 

He will make you new.