A Journey for Peace

This week has seemingly proven to be one of the hardest weeks of my life.  A time of mass confusion for me.  A time where I should joyfully be shouting out loud for all to hear what He has done and is getting to do in and through me.  But, rather this week, I cried nearly every day - as good news seemed impossible to hear for anyone.  We were constantly given report after report, and suggestion after suggestion, but nothing seemed to be what we wanted to hear.  So all week long, I have battled with the Father - wanting selfishly to ask for an extended leave at home between training and departing for France.  But, there was never a moment where I got the answer I so selfishly wanted.  Never once did He tell me that it was okay to stay.  Instead, in those dark moments of practically pleading for this extension, He would remind me that He loved my family more than I, that His hands were wrapped around them, and that He had called me to GO and go now, trusting HIM while HE WOULD take care of them!    

So, truthfully, I began going to Him asking for peace.  If it was His will for me to get on the plane today, I needed the peace that only He could give me.  Because I am stubborn – and not getting my way on this answer has been VERY hard.  Although I heard clearly, and knew exactly what He was calling me to do, I still found myself battling and wanting to say no.  So I knew the only thing I could do at this point was to go to Him and ask others to go to Him on my behalf, asking for peace in leaving - asking that I would not completely melt down this morning on the first flight as I said goodbye.

And right now, as I sit in the DC airport, all I can do is REJOICE in HIS FAITHFULNESS.  Yes, I’ll say I shed a few tears this morning and held a lot more in, but as I sat in the airport I was filled with PEACE – peace that only could come from Him. 

You see, this weekend was one of the most precious weekends of my life.  I was surrounded constantly by people who I know He has placed in my life for a very specific reason – people who I love and cherish dearly – and people I KNOW without a doubt will take care of my family while I am gone.  Father took this weekend to remind me (rather smack me upside the head) to show me that everything is taken care of at home.  What a beautiful, beautiful, glorious moment it was yesterday to see my chRch family pr@y over me, and know that deep down they weren’t just lifting me up to Him – but rather my whole family – particularly Ed. 

So today, as I boarded the first flight, the peace that filled my heart was peace that only could come from Him.  And I pr@ise Him for it.  I pr@ise Him for giving me an incredible family – a family that through thick and thin is always there, and seeks Him for everything.  I pr@ise Him for wonderful friendships – friends that are more like family than friends.  I pr@ise Him for a church family who is like none other – a church family that I am beyond proud to call mine, a church that is on fire and ready to move, and a church that instills the qualities of being His body.  I pr@ise Him for my fellow M’s, my newest friends, that I know will last a lifetime, that are faithful in checking up on me daily and lifting up my concerns.  I pr@ise Him for a team that already seems like family – and rejoices in my happy times and pull me up in the sad times.  I pr@ise Him for my pr@yer warriors and partner churches that I know without any doubt are supporting and lifting me up each day. 

And, as you read this, please know that I am THANKFUL FOR YOU!  Thank you for being such a beautiful, special part of my life.  Thank you for loving me, supporting me, and lifting me up to Him.

I can honestly say without His still small voice constantly beating into my ear that HE is in control and WILL take care of Eddie, and without your pr@yers I probably wouldn’t be sitting in the airport right now – I would have asked and taken another week to stay at home.

But, I KNOW confidently that He has called me to GO and to GO today.  And for the first time all week, I have this rejuvenated JOYOUS spirit that feels confident in leaving and being sent forth!!  There is nothing like it.  I feel confident that He is using Eddie in a way that no one else can be used, and I PR@Y BOLDLY and confidently for Him to heal Eddie - heal Him like no one else can – just as no one else could provide the peace I have today.  Our Father is faithful.  He is almighty.  He hears our hearts cries, and every pr@yer we lift up to Him.  Soooo PLEASE don’t stop lifting him up to Father – for positive spirits, for wisdom, for healing!!  HE IS ABLE. 

….I also pr@y that if you are experiencing trials like this that you tap into Him, and dig deeper in your relationship with Him than you ever have.  I pr@y that you will rely on Him like you never have before – just as I am doing – and experience His love like never before!  I pr@y that you will also connect with those around you – whether family, friends, church family, whoever – seek out those prayer warriors, share your concerns with them, and ask them to lift you up to Him!  AND in saying that, please know that I would love to do that for you!  If ever you need to be lifted up, know I am here, and would love to go to the Father on your behalf. 

I love you all. 

Here is to a new journey.  A journey where trusting, believing, and relying on Him is the ONLY way.  A journey that has my heart set on fire!  

A broken heart. A jealous Father. A lesson learned in loving Him.

This past week has been a really big whirl wind – as I have been filled with every emotion one could possibly have, from moments of sheer happiness and laughter to moments of breakdown and heart breaks.    

In the past couple of weeks though there have been a couple of words and lessons that the Father has been trying to teach me.

Although I was always His and He has always been mine, I don’t think that I truly understood the meaning of truly loving Him above all else.  Just a few days ago my second niece was born – a lifetime event that I missed due to training, knowing I could never go back and have done over again.  This proved to be very hard for me.  Although I tried to pull myself together during the day, I found myself breaking down that night as I continued to get the pictures and updates about this sweet, precious addition to our family.  If you know me well, you know I don’t miss out on family things – this was the first event I have missed.  But, as I sat selfishly crying, because I couldn’t be there, one of my dear friends came in and provided me with some words of encouragement. 

She brought M@tthew 10:37 to my attention:
“If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or If you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine.   If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine.  If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.  Anyone who receives you receives me, and anyone who receives me receives the Father who sent me.”

And yet again, upon hearing and reading these Words written my Him, I couldn’t help but realize something I had been missing, something I had failed to do…..I think, shamelessly, it is safe to say that I have probably loved my family and friends more than I have loved the Father most of my life.  Although my love for Him continues to grow daily and I understand His love for me, I have never TRULY, whole heartedly loved Him above everything else in my life – especially my family. 

So, on this night, I learned this hard lesson.  As His follower, I am called to place Him first.  He is a jealous G0d – one that wants my all, one that wants me to love Him first.  And there is no way that I can go overseas and love my family and friends more than I love Him – I cannot possibly share effectively the love He has for us, I cannot fully be with Him if I do not love Him more than this life He has blessed me with here on this earth.  He must be the consumer of my heart.  My love, my passion, my relationship with Him should be so incredibly strong and powerful that none other could possibly compare. 

As this realization set in, my heart just broke; I realized I have spent all of these years still not fully grasping the realization of what I was doing.  During these next two years there will be a lot of things that I will miss out on here at home, there will be times where my heart is saddened for being away from dear family and friends – yet, what I have come to realize is that my love for Father should be so incredibly great that I’m okay with missing those things, because I know I am in His will for my life.

….But, as I say this, this realization continues to get harder and harder for me.  The Father is continuing to show me this lesson and make sure that I realize the vastness that I am supposed to love Him, and how in loving Him I am called to trust Him with every fiber of my being.

As last Wednesday came, the family came up for my ceremony at training.  Although this was a beautiful day celebrating the calling of so many sent out ones, my heart was yet again breaking – but breaking in ways that I didn’t know how to handle my emotions.  So, I as I went through the motions of Wednesday, I was in a fog for sure.  It was Thursday morning that I broke down and fell apart. 

You see, the chemo that Eddie has been taking should have zapped the cancer.  It is one of the highest forms of chemo – yet, it didn’t work.  Although those particular spots have not grown, they have not decreased either and other places have appeared.  So, in saying that, we are kind of stuck at a cross point on what direction to take.

So this week we have appointments every day.  Today he has a simple booster shot here in Elkin.  Then tomorrow we will be going to Duke to get a second opinion from them – and see some of their options.  Then, on Wednesday, we will be going to Baptist to do scans of the liver area to check certain spots  to see if they are cancerous or not.  If they appear to be cancerous in the scans, the next step will be to biopsy them at some point.  On Thursday, we will also be meeting with a radiologist to see about radiation treatments for the spot on Eddies head.  As this spot has grown in size, it is now becoming a concern and we are looking to see if radiation is the best option for it.  Then, on Friday, we will be going back to Baptist again to speak with their doctors about clinical trial options. 

So in saying that we have a VERY big week ahead of us.  Right now we have no news that is 100% certain.  The doctors cannot promise us anything.  As Eddie will be completing round six of chemo next week, there are decisions that must be made.  There is another form of chemo that can be taken, but the percentage of effectiveness is love - for this particular type of cancer.  OR, we can choose to do clinical trial options.  And, in doing clinical trials, although we are leaning towards one that is done by Baptist – there are still other hospitals that we might could possibly work with, or they may say something completely different.  We are currently looking at a hospital in Pennsylvania and one in Texas has been suggested, as well as a couple others. 

As you can see there is A LOT to figure out and A LOT of decisions to be made.

SOOOOOOO, in saying all of this, we are asking for your pr@yers during this time.  I am asking you to pr@y first and foremost that we continue to see His will in all of this, and are filled with a peace and knowledge that only the HS can provide us with.  We have no doubt that He is holding us, holding Eddie, in the palm of His hand right now.  We have no doubt that He will be glorified in this in some way.  But, it is also seemingly easy to get frustrated and down.  So please pr@y that as we go to all of these appointments this week that we will continue to see Him in all of this, and that we are given uplifted spirits to stay positive and strong in Him.  We have no idea at all why this is happening and we don’t even try to pretend that we do – BUT, we know that He knows the plan and that His plan is far greater than anything we could ever fathom. 

Pr@y that we are given clarity from Him on what direction and steps to take next – whether that is the other form of chemo or the clinical trials – and if we do clinical trials which hospital to work with.  We are seeking clarity from Him on what direction to take next.  Pr@y for the doctors and that they continue to be bold, truthful, and honest.  Pr@y that they too are seeking Him in all of this, and are in His will for this plan. 

And lastly, please pr@y for us as family.  Pr@y for Ed to stay positive, to stay upbeat, to stay strong in Him.  Right now it is easy to give up and give in, but that isn’t Eddie.  He is a fighter, and even more, he knows that He has a plan for his life.  Pr@y through it all that Eddie continues to seek Him, feel Him, and is filled daily with the HS’s peace beyond all understanding.   Pr@y for my sweet mama – that she remains strong.  She is toughest woman I know.  We know that the Father will never give us more than we can handle WITH Him.  Through my entire life I have seen my mama go through a lot, but not once has she wavered in her faith with Him.  What a beautiful woman of Him she is.  Please pr@y for her to continue to stay strong and know that He is right here with her every step of the way.  Pr@y for Alli as she tends to be home the most and is continuing to finish her masters.  Pr@y for Fain and Josh – that they continue to be strong and rely on Him for understanding through this all.  Pr@y for Liv, as she is about to have the two babies to herself, while Jamie is gone.  And last, pr@y for Jamie and I as we are both about to leave our family in a time like this.  Pr@y for Jamie’s safety during his deployment.

….To be honest with you, to be as transparent as I can be, I don’t want to leave right now.  Leaving my family during this time is not ideal and if I had it my way I would move my time back a bit, so that I could stay home.  But, I know that is not what I am called to do.  Again, Father calls us to LOVE HIM more than anything or anyone else – and in loving Him we are called to trust Him with the other things in life that we love.  So although leaving here, in just one week, is super hard – what a comfort it is to know that the Father has His hand on them and is taking care of them.  Father’s love for Eddie is a love so great, I cannot comprehend it.  In Luk, JC tells us “And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid…”  Ps@lm 139 reminds us so beautifully of His love for us and His knowledge of our life; as we are reminded that He knew us before we were born – He knit us together so delicately in our mother’s womb – He hears our hearts cry and knows our every thought. 

Although I love Eddie and my family, I cannot comprehend the love that the Father has for them.  So within His words, I find the peace and comfort that I need during this time.  But, please pray that I continue to take time daily this week to constantly dig into His word and spend precious alone time with the Father each day.  Pray that the HS removes the sadness in my heart, overwhelms me with joy while I am home with my family this week, and provides me with a peace like none other for leaving.    

We need your prayers during this time.  We are so incredibly blessed with a wonderful support system that we are forever grateful for, and right now I am asking you to pray for my sweet family in this week and the weeks to come. 

Is 41:9-10

“I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, ‘You are my servant.’  For I have chosen you and will not throw you away.  Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”

Bipolar Pr@yers

To be real honest with you if you were to get my pr@yer journal from this week, you would have thought I was bipolar.  This week I found myself struggling with praying two different pr@yers for the very same person, the very same reason.

This week, Eddie went in on Wednesday for retests to evaluate how the cancer was reacting to treatments.  Being away from my family during this has definitely been the hardest thing for me.  So as you can imagine, all I possibly want is for this wicked disease to be removed from his body.  I wanted it gone for his sake, for my mom’s sake, for Jamie, Liv, Fain, Josh, and Alli’s sake, for Harvey and Dixie’s sake…Let me take a moment and PRAISE Father for the health that Eddie has kept and endured during treatments thus far.  I think things have probably gone as smoothly as anyone could ever hope for; but, that isn’t enough for me – I want it goneeeeeee.    

So, as I sat journaling my pr@yers to the Father Tuesday night, before the tests on Wednesday, this is what I found myself writing….

“….L0rd tonight I come praying BIG, asking BIG prayers – pr@yers that only you can fill!  L0rd, You are the healer.  You are the one true doctor and cure all AND tonight, I come to you asking for you to lay your healing hands upon Eddie Father.  L0rd, I know I am pr@ying selfishly to you right now, but I just wish it to be gone and removed by Your power….L0rd, I also realize that this very well may not be your plan.  And L0rd, if it is not, I just pr@y that you give us the power to accept whatever news we receive.  I pr@y that my family remains hopeful in knowing you are ALL over this situation, and NOTHING touches Eddie that doesn’t first touch you.  L0rd, this week, I’ve seemingly found a theme of healing and everything I ‘ve read within Your Word this week.  I pr@y deeply tonight that you’d heal Eddie tonight…..But, L0rd either way, we will still seek to glorify YOU no matter what results we do receive.  For we know that you have a plan for this situation and this time….Lord, condition our hearts to accept whatever Your will is.  Hold my family tight tomorrow, and let them feel your Sprite dwelling within them tomorrow, knowing you are with them always….”

…..Yesterday, my small group was reading from Luke 11 – learning about pr@ying persistently.  I have nooooo doubt that Father knew this was a reminder that I so desperately needed to hear – because, today we received the results. 

PRAISE HIM nothing new showed up and no spots had grown in size.  Yet, at the same time, nothing had become smaller either.  So, to be real honest and transparent with you, I will admit there was a small part of me that was for a second sad.  I truly honestly wanted nothing more than to hear a glimpse of great news today….But, within that split second, I also felt a sense of peace in knowing that this is Him saying He has a bigger, better plan – a plan that will glorify Him through and through – so we just have to be patient and trust in Him. 

I think often times, especially for me lately – we read stories over and over again of how powerful He is – He can heal the sick, heal the paralyzed, bring the dead back to life, and cast demons out of people.  We know how truly powerful our Father is, and we expect that He will perform these very same miracles for us whenever we call upon Him. 

Yet, that isn’t the way it works!  Two things.  Our version of "healing" may not always be how He see's healing for a particular situation.  AND, unfortunately, there is another aspect of life that we often times like to suppress, and that is suffering. 

Philippians 1:29 – “For you have been given not only the privilege of trusting in Chr1st but also the privilege of suffering for Him.” 

2 Timothy 2:3,10 – “Endure suffering along with me, as a good soldier of JC…..SO I am willing to endure anything if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in JC to those G0d has chosen.” 

2 Timothy 4:5 – “But you should keep a clear mind in every situation.  Don’t be afraid of suffering for the L0rd.  Work at telling others the Good News, and fully carry out the ministry G0d has given you.”

…..Now, we know that Paul’s suffering was farrrrr different than the suffering that Eddie is going through.  But, I think that the term suffering means different things for different people.  We all have something different and different trials that we must go through to suffer for Him.  My point here is to show us that suffering definitely occurs, and right now, cancer is what “suffering” Eddie is going through.  And, during this time, we must all seek God through it all – finding ways to share His Word and seeking His glory through it all – because, I have NO doubt in my mind that our family is going through for a reason that will definitely bring Him glorify, if we allow it.

This morning I read Luke 12, and what a breathe of relief this was for me to recall this afternoon after hearing the news that nothing had changed….. vs22-31 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life – whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear.  For life is more than food and your body more than clothing.  Look at the ravens.  They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for G0d feeds them.  And you are far more valuable to him than any birds!...Look at the lilies and how they grow…..And if G0d cares so wonderfully for flowers that are he today and throw into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you…..Your Father already knows your needs!  Seek the Kingdom of G0d above all else and He will give you everything you need.”  YES L0RD.  How reassuring is it in a time such as today, when my selfish prayer wasn’t necessarily answered in the fashion I wanted it to be, to know that my FATHER knows our every need – He knows what Eddie needs, He holds him within the palm of His hand, and He will give Him everything he needs during this time. 

Does this mean, that what we think we need G0d will give us?!  No, no.  He won’t always give us what we think we need, He gives us what He knows we need!! 

Look at James 1:2-6 – “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your fa1th is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.  If you need wisdom, ask our generous G0d, and he will give it to you.  He will not rebuke you for asking.  But, when you ask him, be sure that your fa1th is in G0d alone…..”

This is a time of trouble for Eddie and for my family.  But, look at what that verse says – we should consider it a time for great joy.  Although our fa1th will be tested, our endurance will grow .  And during this time, when honestly we don’t understand why this is taking place, we will continue to seek wisdom from Him….growing in Him daily, seeking His will to be done during this time, and for Him to utilize us for His glory through it all. 

Our Dad is good.  He is beyond good.  Although we do not understand everything that occurs, what an amazing promise it is to know that He is walking through life with us day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. 

But during this time, I will continue to pr@y persistently and bipolarly.  I will continue to pr@y for Father to lay His healing hands upon Eddie, but I will also continue to pr@y that He conditions our hearts to accept this time and glorify Him through it!  Please continue to pr@y this pr@yer for our family during this time! 

Eddie will begin the next round of chemo on Monday, and they will be making some decisions later on about what steps to take next….Please be in pr@yer about this and that Father will show the family what move to make! 

Again, I cannot tell you how blessed we are to have the support system He has given to us.  During my time away from home, this has become more and more real to me each day.  I have never been more excited to get back to PRBC and back to my family and friends.  You don’t realize how much your support system means to you until you are removed from them.  2 weeks everyone!!!! J  

Love you all!

.Rejuvenated.

This past week was full of many emotions!  As many serious topics and conversations took place my heart became heavy.  Living in a small town my whole life, I guess one might say I lived a “sheltered” life in a sense. 

Wednesday’s topic of discussion was grieving and leaving behind loved ones.  Many of the statements thrown at us were:  “life moves on without you,” “while you think 2014 will be standing still and life will stop, it will continue,” “someone will replace you when you leave,” “how will you handle saying goodbye to loved ones for the last time”…….  So yeah, although I mentally tried to prepare for this transition and time, facing these statements and questions (cold hard laid out there on the line types of realizations) was very taxing. 

Then, Thursday I had another eye opening day – I sat all day in a seminar on an1m1sm.  If you don’t know what this is…I encourage you to take time, research it, and educate yourself.  This conversation obviously led to the realities of sp1r1tual w@rf@re.... A reality that I know exists, but have never truly faced head on.  It is a reality in which if anything I would listen to and say “Ahh that can’t be true”….. But, as I sat and listened to the first hand experiences of an M, my heart became heavy as my mind was being altered to the realities of the darkness of this world.  But, as these stories set in, as I was trying to absorb the reality of sp1r1tual w@rf@re, I also was called to remember who I am!  I am daughter of THE K1ng of K1ngs, the L0rd of L0rds.  Therefore, when I call upon His name, no one or nothing can harm me.  What a beautiful, beautiful safeness that this truly is.  My Father is the THE ruler of all, holding power over ALL things – and He will not let anything touch me that doesn’t first go through Him --- YES!! 

So, come Friday, I had honestly just had enough….I was mentally and emotionally drained.  But, it was in that moment of weakness that the Father realized I needed a good soulful boost!  And that it was.  Friday night, instead of watching the opening ceremonies to the Olympics, there were many of us who gathered around a bonfire by the lake and just spent time sharing life together.  We made smores, we caught up on life, we played ridiculous games, some rapped (this white girl cannot), and then the most peaceful moment was when we all sang pr@ises to Him while one girl played the guitar!  There was no better way than to spend time lifting pr@ises through song up to Him!  What a blessed way to be rejuvenated.  What a joyful time and a perfect way to end the week! 

Then Saturday morning, Rachel and I headed out to do a little work at Barnes & Noble before setting forth to meet the Avery family in Waverly, VA.  Eric, a good friend of my p@stor Mitch, invited Rachel and I to come spend the weekend with his family, and speak at his chRch on Sunday.  What a great break from “camp” this was for us!  The Avery’s had dinner ready for us when we arrived, and then we rode the ferry over to Williamsburg, and grabbed dessert in the neatest coffee shop – Aromas.  It was such a perfect Saturday night.  The best part of the evening was their three little girls singing the songs from Frozen to us!  Priceless. 

Then today, Sunday, we were able to join them at Waverly 1st B@pt1st.  What a privilege and blessing it was to be able to share my test1m0ny with them, and share m1$$1ons with them.  I could not have asked for a more welcoming church to share my life with – the people of W@verly welcomed Rachel & I with open arms, and left us with encouraging words and pr@yers.  Thank you Avery’s and W@verly 1st B@pt1st for letting us into your home and your chRch this weekend.  I am so grateful to have you all partner with me during this time!

……Although this week was heavy, and I perhaps had a girl moment breakdown on the phone with mom Thursday, the Father knew exactly what my heart needed for this weekend.  As I head into this new week, I ask that you continue to pr@y for the Father to reveal Himself to me, to speak to me clearly, and help me continue to seek Him in all that I do each day. 

Rachel & I also began practicing some language skills last week.  I started with Rosetta Stone….but, that was quite a poor choice.  It had me starting with phrases – like I knew any of that?!  I mean I am smart - I am going to P. Italy - BUT come on, phrases was a little too much ---- (sidenote:  everyone at W@verly was under the impression that I was going to P. Italy as well today – Mitch, can I blame you for this particular misunderstanding at W@verly?!)  ANYWAYS, so Rachel helped me, and we have begun to work on letter sounds a little bit!  Just pr@y for wisdom and a positive attitude as I work harder at language this week.  I am a bit of a perfectionist, and I like for things to come easily – this is not going to be that.  So pr@y I have patience and do not get discouraged.    

"...if y'all can dance like that..."

I have only been here at training for two weeks, but I have made friends that I can already tell you will be friendships that will last a lifetime – friends that after only two weeks easily seem like family. 

This week it was one of our friend’s birthday – we will call him B. 

Well last week B’s bff gave us the heads up on B’s birthday and suggested we plan something fun and exciting.  So, last weekend us girls snuck around and bought a few things.  We went with the typical (as I now realize) boring things – poster to make a big card, streamers, balloons, cookies….you know just some things to decorate with!  At the time we thought we were doing great! 

But, no…..two goobs (who I promise cannot be B@pt1st’s because their dancing skills are too good) decided that this wasn’t good enough and we needed to DANCE for B’s birthday.  These two dancing goobs decided we need to make a flash mob for B’s birthday…..AND so we did! J 

We snuck around campus several nights, gathering more and newer people every night, to learn the Dance Dance Revolution dance to One Direction’s “You Don’t Know You’re Beautiful.”  These practices were seriously the best of times – so many laughs.  And then, Friday, we performed our flash mob dance to this song, during lunch, to B for his birthday!  It was PERFECT!!

 

It was awesome to see so many people involved to celebrate the birthday of such a fun guy; and even better it was so amazing to see the visitors on campus clapping along, smiling, and laughing the entire time!  It was so incredible and such a wonderful time.  B was so embarrassed, but he loved it!  Couldn’t have gone any better.

But, that isn’t the point of this post. 

During one of our nights of practice one guy said, “You know, if y'all can dance like that, there is no reason you can’t share the G0spel.”

BAM!....Slap in the face! 

What a powerful statement he just made.  And by no means did this man make this statement to be rude, discourage us from dancing, or anything like that; no, he was saying it more jokingly.  But what an incredibly true statement!!!

If you know me, you know I am a white girl with nooooo rhythm and absolutely no dancing skills.  Just being honest – it’s real sad.  And due to that realization, I have always tried to run away from group dances or anything that involved me publicly dancing in front of people.  I never really wanted any part of it.

But, this week, I came out of my comfort zone (with no argument, begging, or anything else – I willingly stepped out of my comfort zone) to participate in this surprise birthday flash mob dance, for a guy I have only known for two weeks. 

So, if I can do that – and do it willingly, laughing and smiling the whole time – I couldn’t help but wonder why in the world am I am not sharing the G0spel with people in this manner?!  Why am I not shouting to the top of my lungs that I serve a Father who sent His Son, who was born of a v1rg1n, to this earth to live just do die for MY s1ns AND then proceeded to r@ise Him from the dead three days later, showing that He is > than death?!  Why in the world am I not pulling out of my comfort zone and telling every single person I see this GREAT NEWS.  Why am I not willing to step out of this comfort zone and do this for a G0d who has known and loved me for farrrrrrr longer than two weeks?!!   

What a conviction this has been this week. 

It is time to step completely out of the comfort zone and shout this amazing news to everyone! 

What a powerful realization.  

.Relationships.

One adjustment that I am having to face during this time of transition is how to balance relationships – and balance them in such a way that He is glorified in and through them all.

As you all know my family is definitely close – and within the past couple of months we have grown closer than I think we ever though was once possible.  So, in saying that leaving them was one issue that I knew would be hard.  However, I have done very well with it – it didn’t hit me until yesterday. 

Yesterday, Eddie spoke at PRBC.  Mitch asked him, if he felt called to do so, to speak and give his test1mony – focusing in on how his f@ith in Him has pulled him through, and given him hope, in this time that should be quite difficult for one to face.   Being where I am, I could not just drive home for this event – so we had the brilliant idea that I could just skype/facetime into the service.  Mitch and I tested everything out Saturday night – everything worked perfectly.

But….then come Sunday morning….the wifi was out here.  Realizing there was no wifi at 8am, I just kept hoping it would come back on by eleven.  But….as time passed it never came on.  Mitch called me, and we tried to connect via my phone – but, realized that wifi was still needed……

As you can imagine, I was definitely upset.  Ever since leaving last week, I just knew it would be okay to not be home for this event because I could just skype in, and pretend to really be there – although I wouldn’t be there physically, I would be there virtually (?)…..This was something I had been waiting on all week long. 

Eddie has a story to tell.  Eddie’s life, Eddie’s story is a test1mony that He is definitely called to share.  His story is an inspiration and a testament to how f@ithful our Father is….In MY mind I couldn’t miss hearing him share the words Father would lay upon His heart.

But, as I realized yet again, I was doing more of me, and less of the Father – I was seeking yet again my will, and not His.  Yet again, He had revealed another part of my life that I had not fully surrendered over to Him…..

So, although I was very upset that I could not skype into the service yesterday (and truthfully a part of me wanted to cry okayyyy…) there was this small serene calmness that really just took hold of me and it was beyond clear the Sprite was saying, “Sam, if you are going to do this, if you are going to be here doing what I have called you to do, you have to BE HERE.  I need all of you.  I need you in this moment.  I need you to focus and leave everything else at home for me to take care of.”  So, in this moment I just yet again gave it up to Him…..

During this past week, much like yesterday’s situation, I have really been struggling with relationships and time management.  Life here surpasses all expectations I ever had – I have never been happier, never been more in tune with the Father, and never felt more challenged to continue following His will….But, I have struggled with fitting everything and everyone in to each day. 

Being here, making new friends and in the process of building new relationships, a lot of us tend to spend a lot of free time hanging out playing volleyball or basketball, games, and just getting to know each other….But, in this time of getting to know one another, and helping to support one another, we are also all trying to figure out time to get everything accomplished that we are given to do (readings, paper work, etc.)  THEN, we are also trying to find a way of balancing phone calls, emails, texts, etc with those we love at home.  Then, within balancing these two groups of relationships we are also trying to stay truly focused on the main reason that we are here – how to stay focused and give Him the time we should every day through pr@yer, reading, clases, and just truly figuring out how to live life with and through Him no matter where we are…..

I firmly believe that relationships are the key to life.  In order to grow closer to someone or something you must spend time, growing closer with that person by understanding who they are, where they come from, what’s important to them….etc…..

But, as I was reminded yesterday there is one relationship that should stand out and be far more important and evident in my life than any other – and that is my relationship with the Father. 

In Matthew 22:37-28 we read: “J replied, ‘You must love the L0rd your G0d with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.  This is the first and greatest c0mmandment.'”

In Luke 14:26-27 we read:  “If you want to be my d1sciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison – your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters – yes, even your own life.  Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.  And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple."

These two verses just really hit home with me yesterday, as I was really struggling with the management concept of relationships of everyone that is placed into my life, and that I love.

These two verses just reminded me that first and foremost the main relationship in my life, the relationship that I should be working on the most and striving to grow in, is that with the Father.….My walk with the Father should be my primary, daily concern and deserves nothing less than my full, complete heart. 

Then, within building and growing in my relationship with Him, all other relationships will fall perfectly into place.

Although I am having to learn how to separate away from my family and friends at home, although I am having to learn how to not be at home for everything, and although I am learning how to build new relationships daily with the people He places before me…None of these things can be made perfect without me first being in His will. 

So, right now I ask that you seek the Father on my behalf, asking Him to help me make Him my top priority, and grow daily in my relationship with Him.  Ask Him to also grant me the peace in letting go of relationships at home in such a healthy way that although I continue to grow in these relationships with my family and friends, I do not feel upset that I am missing out by not being at home for special events and occasions.  I know that He has placed me here for a very special reason and I know that He has an incredible plan laid out for me to do accomplish with Him….and that is exactly where my hearts strongest desires need to be focused and placed.  Just pr@y that through being one with Him, I continue to relinquish all relationships with others over to Him, so that they will be made perfect through Him!

…..On another note, today Eddie went and began his third round of chemo and received results back from the retests last week.  After every two rounds of chemo they will be doing retests to check the effectiveness of the medicine. 

Today’s news was:

-The tumors in Eddie’s chest have not enlarged (PR@ISE!!!!)!  This means that the chemo is treating these tumors and working there.  Although they had not shrunk any, that was to be expected (after only two rounds).  We will hope to see some decrease in the next few rounds. J  So good news there!!

-The other news was that there were a couple of cysts on Eddie’s liver before, and they have now doubled in size.  However, right now the doctor feels confident that we should not stop chemo, but rather continue moving forward and see what the next set of test says after two more rounds of treatment….At that point, after looking at those results, we will determine what steps need to be taken.

I think the main thing for us is to continue to stay focused on is that Father has a definite purpose for this stage of Eddie’s life.  That was evident in his test1mony yesterday! 

Jeremiah 1:5 tells us “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.  Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”    

What a verse!!  You cannot help but feel peace when you read this verse;  what a promise we can rest easily on.

We serve a Father who knew us before we were born.  We serve a Father who loves us beyond anything we can possibly fathom.  We serve a Father who made a plan for our life before we were born, and has called us to join Him in fulfilling out that plan!  INCREDIBLE.

I know without any form of doubt that the Father has always planned on using Eddie during this time to glorify Him, and complete a job that no one else can complete. 

Although it is hard to watch and accept at times, f@ith in knowing, loving, trusting, and believing Him is what continues to pull us through. 

Today, I was reminded of this:  “We serve a King who makes the hearts of over seven billion people beat.”  He does that!!  Mind blowing right?!....So just think, if He can do that what else is He capable of?!!  EVERYTHING.  ANYTHING.  We have the privledge of having a relationship with a Father, a King who is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent.  He IS capable of doing anything and everything.  Our pr@yers are NEVER too big for Him.  So I pr@y today that the Father continues to give Eddie, my mom, and my family lifted spirits.  That He continues to show us daily how He is using this time to bring Him glory.  I pr@y that He continues to be with, walk through, and use Eddie during this time to glorify Him!  

Excited to see how He continues to move!

Unworthy.Unqualified.Inadequate.

Today I spent a large majority of my day just truly digging into the Word – either in group devotional time or during personal spiritual retreat time.  This week has been amazing, and I couldn’t be more affirmed that this is where I am called to be.  Every day G0d has, and continues to provide me a new challenge – He reveals something to me every single day; something to improve upon or change so that I may have a better, stronger relationship with Him.

Yesterday we really looked at Chr1st’s example, and Paul’s example, of m1nistry.  Our key verse was Mark 3:14 – “And He appointed twelve (whom He also named ap0stles) so that they might be with Him and He might send them out to pre@ch.”

In this we focused in on…

Apostles.  Yes, there were originally twelve appointed ap0stles.  No, I am not one of those twelve.  But, that word – ap0stles – simply means a messenger.  A messenger is one in which heralds the news from the King – so, one who shares the G0spel. 

And we know, all throughout the Book, He calls us all to spread His word – we are called to spread the word to all of creation – to every tribe, language, people, and nation….We are called to spread His word.  That is simply not an option from the Father; it is repetitively something that He commands us to do. 

And then, today, in our dev0tional (whether as a whole group or individually) we just spent a lot of time on truly beginning to look deeper into one’s own heart.   We looked at how, in order to strengthen a relationship (be it with whomever), one must truly take time to spend with that particular person – they must be willing to listen, talk, invest, and pour into that person.  And, our relationship with the Father is like that as well.  In order to grow in our walk with Him, we must be willing to set aside a private, sacred quiet time for Him every day – Time in which we can truly just pour our hearts out to Him, dig in His Word, and meditate on what He is saying to us…….So yeah, to me this was a slap in the face AGAIN!  Just as if reading “The Circle Maker” wasn’t a big enough reminder of how lacking I am in this area, today’s message, coming from His Word, just reconfirmed this is an aspect I must work on improving.  My daily quiet time MUST become sacred – it needs to become top priority and does not need to be pushed aside….

But then, as if that wasn’t enough….we also looked at a second aspect that I must truly work on in order to build a stronger relationship with the Father….I have to spend time looking at, evaluating my own heart.  What type of heart do I have?! 

We looked at the pure heart, the disconnected heart, the hidden heart, the hard heart, the dull heart, the unforgiving heart….We evaluated each of these, and where our hearts lied within each aspect.  For me, this was eye opening.  As much as I am ashamed to admit, I don’t have the pure heart that the Father calls me to have.  So, in saying that, there are things that I had to admit and turn over to Him – because as we know in order to be free, in order to find peace with Him, we must admit our sins and seek His forgiveness….

So today, several of those sins came out – and I honestly just grabbed a pen and my notebook, and wrote those sins out to the Father.  I just spent time pouring my heart out to Him.

And today, one thing that I realized, as I was seeking forgiveness from Him, is that due to my previous walk with the Father, due to the lack of faithfulness I had to Him, I spent a lot of time not being the light He has called me to be.  I have spent a lot of time wasting life/opportunities away.  I have had a number of relationships with people that I KNOW the Father placed before in which I did not seize the moment, stand bold in my faith, and share the Good News with them.  And in most situations I often did the exact opposite of what I should have been doing.  I believe firmly in relationships.  I believe that the Father creates d1vine appointments and opportunities for you to come in contact with specific people – but, in that moment you have to be willing to have an open mind, an open heart, and be ready to seize the moment and share the G0spel with them as well.  Therefore, you must be setting an example that would be pleasing to the Father, and one that a person would eagerly want to learn more about……You are to be His example…..

As I just sat and thought back through my life, I could not help but to think about all of the opportunities that I missed and passed up.  I could not help but to just crumble at the thought of the number of people who I perhaps lead away from the Father (due to my actions, words, and behaviors); instead of leading to the Father. 

And, as I continued to let this dwell in my mind, it honestly became a very low moment.  I began to feel frustrated with myself.  How was I so ridiculously blind – How/Why did I let these moments pass?  Why did I not realize or care about the appearance, w1tness I was giving off to all of those around me?!  What was I thinking?!!  ….And furthermore, if I couldn’t be a w1tness here, to people I know and love, how in the world is He planning on using me to do His work in a location that I know no one or nothing, and cannot even speak the language?!!!  What am I doing Father, became the question in my mind. 

And in that moment, as I began to just pour out my heart to the Father, my mind also became consumed with words like: unworthy, unqualified, inadequate……

Like I have said before, I did a lot of playing chRch….It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I truly began to crave a relationship with Him, that I began to dig into the Word, eager to know more.  And, as if that isn’t bad enough, everything I did hear and study seemingly didn’t/doesn’t stick in my mind. 

So, as a twenty four year old, I feel like I have the knowledge of a child.  I am terrible at knowing specific people and stories within the Word (even though I have heard them a million times), and although I know that there is a verse in the Word that says what I am thinking in my mind – I am absolutely terrible at quoting the scr1pture and where it is specifically found……This became another concern of mine!  How am I supposed to go out into His world and share His news, if I do not know His word?!  How am I going to be able to stand up for Him, if His words do not dwell within my heart?! 

As you can see – my heart just became truly broken. 

But, after having poured out my heart to Him, I was reminded that through forg1veness and grace all things are made new.  All I simply had to do was what I had just done.  In the time I spent pr@ying, c0nfessing, giving up my acknowledgement of disobedience and lifting my insecurities to Him, He forgave me and provided a peace like none other.    

It was in this time that I realized that yes, although I have not walked and lived in a relationship with Him like 

I should have, I serve a Father who loves me unconditionally.  I serve a Father who seeks and longs to have this relationship with me.  I serve a Father who desires for me to surrender my life over to Him.  I serve a Father who is going to forgive me for not walking with Him in the past.  I serve a Father who dwells within my heart and one who understands the desire of my heart.  Although my heart is far from being pure - He understands that a pure heart, a heart that is consumed by Him, is one in which I desire.  And through full surrender to Him I found freedom from the past.  Through me giving everything up to Him, through me letting go of the past and realizing that this present moment I am His, and acknowledging He is going to walk every step of this journey with me – I was set free!

He will provide me with the knowledge, courage, and boldness that I need to do His will.  He will make those d1vine appointments and make it overwhelmingly clear to me with whom I should share His Word with.  He will provide me with the scripture I need for each individual moment. 

Through His forgiveness of my past, I am able to move into this next stage of life that He has called me into!  With Him dwelling within my soul, with me building my relationship/walk with Him daily, I will be able to be a herald of His Word!

Goodbye insecurities.  Goodbye unworthy, not qualified, and inadequate.  He directs my path and I stand firm in knowing that for whatever path He calls me to travel down in life, He will see me as worthy, qualified, and adequate.  He will provide me with all I need to do His work – all I have to do is continue to walk and grow in my relationship with Him daily; fixating on having a pure heart, in which can be used to glorify Him.

....I challenge you to examine your own life.  Reevaluate your relationship with the Father, and reevaluate your obedience to His calling in your life. We all have a story.  Father creates divine appointments for us to share our story and His Word everyday.....I just challenge you to grow in your walk and obedience with Him - realize you are worthy, you are qualified, you are adequate - See these divine appointments that He places before you.  Use these times to be obedient and share His Word.  Stand firm in these moments, knowing He lives within you and will provide you with the knowledge, power, and wisdom!  Through Him you are unWORTHY.  You are unQUALIFIED.  You are inADEQUATE.