Physically Hurting. Spiritually Filled. There Is No Greater Gift.

As most of you know I was able to go home December eighteenth to spend Christmas with my family.  Let me tell you, there was nothing sweeter to me, than seeing the smiles of my family and friends, after having been gone for eight and a half months.  As I sat at Chili’s for dinner that first night, with my mom, step-dad, and sister there was nothing else that I could have asked for.  I was back at home, surrounded by those I loved…and was about to be surrounded in love for the next week, by people who have truly captured my heart, impacted my life, and helped to mold me into who I am.  It was about to be a beautiful time!

 

…And beautiful those next nine days were! 

There were thirty people who came through our home on Saturday, and tons more that I saw after that.  It was a week filled with a constant flow of smiling faces, warm hugs, new babies to hold, new faces to meet and be introduced to, many laughs to be had, and lots of news to get caught up on.  There were roads of freedom to be driven on – with the music blaring and the capability to sing as loud as I could ever want.  There was a massive yard to walk around in, with our crazy pup Josie, where all I could hear was the peace of a flowing river; instead of mass transits.  I had everything I had been longing for right back in my arms….

Amazing it most definitely was. 

Yet, at the same time I seemingly found myself completely broken and torn.  I found myself facing fear and doubt like I had never experienced before.  Ever. 

As my heart was filled with the joy of seeing my step-dad again, my heart was ripped apart as I saw the pain that he was in.  As I sat there and watched him, one of the strongest men I have ever known, now become physically unable to do much of anything – the reality of what had/has been going on while I have been gone finally sat in.  And instead of turning to the Father – instead of hitting my knees in prayer - I again thought I could handle things on my own.  I thought I could just push it aside and harbor those feelings.  I was wrong. 

In the midst of having this perfect week, in which I had been waiting on for months – there was this mass anxiety that began to creep in…slowly…then gradually suffocating and consuming my ever being.  There would be times at night where I couldn't sleep, and when I could, I would wake up grasping for air several times.  As the week progressed, this anxiety grew to a point of where it physically hurt to breathe. 

Of course, being me, I tried to think of every reason it could have been besides anxiety.  I spent majority of the week trying to figure out what was wrong.  Ridiculous really.  

It wasn't until Saturday night, two days before leaving, that I finally broke down.  As I sat upstairs in my room, trying to work on my presentation for church the following day, I kept finding myself getting distracted with fear.  I was constantly asking myself - are you going back….why are you going back…how are you leaving your family…what are you doinggggggggggg….??????

But, just as the evil one filled my head with those thoughts, how beautiful to know that I serve a bigger Father who also knew all of this.  He knew what was going on and He knew it was going to happen.  He knew that my flight home would be a bit scary, there would be a plane missing that Saturday night before I was to leave again on Monday, and as a result I would be nervous in traveling back.  He knew that there would be small terrorist attacks in France, and that would scare me.  He knew that I would be broken at seeing Eddie in pain.  And as a result, He knew that I would question my going back to France.  He knew that my week would be so packed with everyone else, and consumed by life, that I would forgot to spend time with Him…resulting in a means for the evil one to creep in.  He knew that all of this would result in me being filled with anxiety, and that on the inside I would be hurting like never before.  He knew that all of this would occur ahead of time and that my stubbornness would come to a head and would desperately be in need of HIM! 

And thank Him for knowing that.

As I sat upstairs that night – the house completely dark due to the lights hurting Eddie’s eyes – I sat listening to the sweet voice of my mother reading to Eddie.  As they talked she began catching him up on Facebook…as they began discussing someone’s post, I heard Eddie say – “I believe in prayer.  We can’t always believe in the numbers, statistics, and what doctors say – but, we can believe in prayer.  And knowing that prayer changes thing.” 

God knew that was what I needed.  I not only needed to hear these exact words – to be reminded to give everything over to Him – but He also knew from whose mouth I needed to hear the words come from.  I needed to hear Eddie, a man in pain, speak these fighting words of truth. 

So, as I went to bed that night, I laid on my bed, arms wide open, and just cried out to the Father…. Begging Him to rid me of this doubt, of this fear, of this hurt and anxiety that consumed me.  And to fill me with nothing but Him.  To fill me with His joy, His confidence, and His love.  To trust Him with every fiber of my being. 

I’d love to tell you that my anxiety ceased right then, immediately. But, it didn't.  All of life, that had posed the anxiety for me during the week, was still there Sunday morning when I woke up.  In fact, it was all still there Monday as I left my house, boarded my first flight, and realized that they were going to be keeping Eddie at the hospital for a few days. 

So when did it cease….

During my first flight I can’t tell you how many times I clicked replay for the song “Called Me Higher.”  I can’t tell you how many prayers I prayed.  How hard I had to swallow to keep from throwing up fear.  Or, how many times I looked at a necklace (Christmas present) that says “let your faith be bigger than your fear.” 

That first flight was a major battle. 

But, as I boarded that second flight – that is when His peace flooded me.

So why then?  Why didn't He grant me that peace when I asked for it Saturday night?  Why didn't He grant me that peace on Monday before leaving?  Why didn't He allow all of the fear to be removed immediately? 

God doesn't always call us to easy.  He doesn't always call us to a perfect smooth sailing kind of life.  A lot of times He calls us to hard.  It is up to us to decide how we handle the hard – if we try to push through it in our own strength, or if we are willing to fully and wholeheartedly surrender the hard over to Him – trusting in Him with all we have. 

I don’t think that I fully gave my fear, my anxieties, over to Him until that second flight.  I know that I had a ton of people praying for me, and I knew that I was praying myself.  But, I still was trying to hold on and be in control of it all. 

It wasn't until I gave it all over to him fully that He provided me with the peace I had been begging for.  For the comfort that I needed. 

This Christmas was much different than any I had ever experienced before.  It was far deeper than the traditional Christmas tree and present giving type of Christmas.  This year, I was reminded that He is the only present that I will ever need.  That His comfort, His peace, His faithfulness, His love is all I will ever need, and that forsaking it, trying to control life on my own accord (as I often try to do), just isn't possible. 

THANK YOU to those of you who have been praying for my family and myself.  We do believe in the power of prayer, and we are thankful for the prayer and support system that we are blessed to have.  There is nothing more reassuring than having friends and family who we know are praying us through this journey, holding our hands, and walking this road with us!  We love you all. 

I am so thankful for the opportunity that I had to see many of you while I was home.  And for those who we couldn't get our times to work out to meet, I do apologize.  But, know that I still love you and appreciate you all the same! 

Love you all.