I AM WEAK.

Weakness:  A quality or feature regarded as a disadvantage or fault.

There is no human on this earth that is without at least one weakness.  Although a lot of the time we all like to think we are perfect souls, without flaws…That is far from the truth.  

Me, I have many.  

And the evil one knows exactly how to use these flaws perfectly; in such a way to grow me apart from my He@venly Father (at least temporarily).  But, what the evil one does not know is, in the end my Father prevails, I learn a lesson, and I inevitably grow more and more in love with the Man who made me – ultimately the direct opposite of what the evil one is seeking.  

And how does this happen?!  

Because I serve a Father who is bigger, who is wiser, who is more powerful, who is far greater than any flaw of mine, loves me unconditionally, and is begging me to just simply trust Him. 

My number one flaw in life is STRESS.  WORRY.  ANXIETY.

Since a child, I have always striven to be a perfectionist in so many areas of life.  I have always felt that I had to go 110%, giving my very best, and failure was not an option.  I constantly found myself taking on “challenges” in such ways that I knew I could accomplish and succeed; because anything less was not an option.  Needless to say, my independent soul has had many hardships, realizations, and opportune lessons for seeing that I could not do life alone and be successful…That some “tasks” just could not be accomplished by my human hands alone, but only by His almighty power and ability was there anyway.  And without His help, without allowing Him to step in and take control, the “task” was seemingly a waste.

As I look back and reflect upon this last year, the key word that I see the Father calling and challenging me to is TRUST.  Trusting Him. 

Having been His since I was eight, you would think that I would have a full grasp on this word.  You would think that through life lessons thus far, I would have already learned that although I can accomplish life alone – With His help, the process is much smoother and the outcome is far greater than anything I could have ever expected to be done on my own.  

BUT, I still fail in relinquishing this trust and faith to Him – whether it is monthly, weekly, daily, or even hourly I find myself failing to simply TRUST in Him.  I still like to be the controller of my life in so many aspects.  And without fail, He shows me that I am not capable of reaching that perfect, unattainable goal without HIM.

As I left home five months ago, I sat with my family having one of the hardest discussions we have ever had…the “what-if” discussion.  I sat with the biggest decision laid before me, a decision that made me sick, a decision that I truly had give to Him because it was literally out of my hands completely --- a decision on whether to stay home with my family in a time of hurt and pain OR hop on a plane to fulfill the calling He laid before me – understanding that perhaps that one sweet goodbye could be a final one.  As He gave me that confirmation on fulfilling the call to go, as I boarded the plane that Monday morning, I left with peace in knowing that Eddie was in Dad’s hands.  

Although I was still hurting, although I was still scared….His voice filled my head, telling me Eddie was His, He would take care of this man.  AND today, I could not be happier, more excited to share that He has continued to do just that.  Here we are at ten months in and Eddie is ABLE – Although there are days of struggle, he is doing life just as normal as possible.  Eddie still mows, goes to church and social events with friends and family, andddd is playing with His sweet grandbabies this weekend….AND this past week we received news that the tumors are SHRINKING.  10 months ago, 5 months ago…We didn't know what to think.  Today we stand amazed, in awe…Yes, there is still a long ways to go before Eddie is completely healed.  But, we KNOW that we serve a Father who is forever faithful, who is forever hearing our hearts cries, who is CALLING US TO TRUST HIM to take care of Eddie.  And in that trusting Him, He is being faithful to provide us of our hearts desires. 

So, as I was beautifully reminded this week of His power and control, I still failed at trusting Him with other areas of  my life.  I failed miserably at trusting Him this week.  Ashamed it left me. 

The past couple of weeks, I have had a toothache.  So after trying to avoid going to a dentist here, I finally sucked it up and went.  To make a long story short, I went in Wednesday to have a filling.  As I went into the office, of course my stomach was in knots (as I am terrified of dentists).  I was terrified of the noises, the shots, the drilling, the pains, the unknown of this lady….everything.  But, as I sat down and the work began…I felt nothing.  I did not feel the shot of numbing in my mouth.  I did not fill the drilling.  All I felt was the sound of the Father calling me to trust Him – to praise Him through the music in my ears and spend time just lifting it up to Him.  Seemingly I was succeeding at this, I thought I was trusting Him – but really, it was only because things were still going as I had planned, according to my individual itinerary. 

As the dentist kept drilling in my tooth, I knew something was wrong.  That is when she stopped and broke the news to me – “I am sorry.  I have some bad news.  It is deeper than I thought.  I need to do a root canal.”  The tears instantly just began flowing uncontrollably down my face; as I sat terrified of the pain that would be to come, and I knew the cost to perform this was going to be far more than what was in my bank account.  My first question – “How much?”  As she told me the price, the tears rolled quicker and greater.  The knot in my stomach became uncontrollable. 

So as I left the dentist office that day, she had filled my tooth with temporary putty and gave me the bill to ponder.  I won’t lie, I came home and cried for over two hours.   I called my mom, the realist, who said “This is life.  Crap happens.  Stop crying, because crying won’t fix it.”  Of course, not what I wanted to hear in the moment, but what I needed to be told.  But, it was what she said next that I will not forget – “G0d has brought you this far, through everything to this point, He isn’t going to leave you alone and not get you through this.”  That was all I needed to hear.  That beautiful, tough love reminder – This was yet again, a situation, a bill, which was far unobtainable for me alone.  It was something I HAD to relinquish over to the Father.

So, I immediately began emailing personnel for help.   Having planned in the back of my mind for the worst answer (of receiving no support), and still trying to figure out how I,  alone, was going to pay for this massive cost.  As the night and next morning went on, I knew the Father was continuously calling me to trust Him, to not worry over such a petty thing; but, I was inevitably failing. 

During lunch the next day though, I received an email back.  An email from the Father, showing me His control, His provision, His faithfulness to provide……

My medical bill was going to be covered eighty percent by medical, and the rest I had already been given.  This bill, this worry, was covered – covered by HIM. 

As I rejoiced in this news, the feeling of being ashamed flushed over me.  How dare I not trust this Man.  This man who is constantly, daily reminding and showing me every reason that I should trust Him….When will I learn?!  When will I stop trying to do things in my own power, alone?  When will I learn to stop worrying, stop stressing AND just TRUST. 

This man, my Father, gave His son so that I could know Him, so that I could be His.  He most definitely has my best interest at heart.  Trusting Him should not be a question. 

I ask that you continue to lift me up, asking that I continue to draw closer to Him – closer than ever before.  That I trust Him with every fiber of my being.