A broken heart. A jealous Father. A lesson learned in loving Him.

This past week has been a really big whirl wind – as I have been filled with every emotion one could possibly have, from moments of sheer happiness and laughter to moments of breakdown and heart breaks.    

In the past couple of weeks though there have been a couple of words and lessons that the Father has been trying to teach me.

Although I was always His and He has always been mine, I don’t think that I truly understood the meaning of truly loving Him above all else.  Just a few days ago my second niece was born – a lifetime event that I missed due to training, knowing I could never go back and have done over again.  This proved to be very hard for me.  Although I tried to pull myself together during the day, I found myself breaking down that night as I continued to get the pictures and updates about this sweet, precious addition to our family.  If you know me well, you know I don’t miss out on family things – this was the first event I have missed.  But, as I sat selfishly crying, because I couldn’t be there, one of my dear friends came in and provided me with some words of encouragement. 

She brought M@tthew 10:37 to my attention:
“If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or If you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine.   If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine.  If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.  Anyone who receives you receives me, and anyone who receives me receives the Father who sent me.”

And yet again, upon hearing and reading these Words written my Him, I couldn’t help but realize something I had been missing, something I had failed to do…..I think, shamelessly, it is safe to say that I have probably loved my family and friends more than I have loved the Father most of my life.  Although my love for Him continues to grow daily and I understand His love for me, I have never TRULY, whole heartedly loved Him above everything else in my life – especially my family. 

So, on this night, I learned this hard lesson.  As His follower, I am called to place Him first.  He is a jealous G0d – one that wants my all, one that wants me to love Him first.  And there is no way that I can go overseas and love my family and friends more than I love Him – I cannot possibly share effectively the love He has for us, I cannot fully be with Him if I do not love Him more than this life He has blessed me with here on this earth.  He must be the consumer of my heart.  My love, my passion, my relationship with Him should be so incredibly strong and powerful that none other could possibly compare. 

As this realization set in, my heart just broke; I realized I have spent all of these years still not fully grasping the realization of what I was doing.  During these next two years there will be a lot of things that I will miss out on here at home, there will be times where my heart is saddened for being away from dear family and friends – yet, what I have come to realize is that my love for Father should be so incredibly great that I’m okay with missing those things, because I know I am in His will for my life.

….But, as I say this, this realization continues to get harder and harder for me.  The Father is continuing to show me this lesson and make sure that I realize the vastness that I am supposed to love Him, and how in loving Him I am called to trust Him with every fiber of my being.

As last Wednesday came, the family came up for my ceremony at training.  Although this was a beautiful day celebrating the calling of so many sent out ones, my heart was yet again breaking – but breaking in ways that I didn’t know how to handle my emotions.  So, I as I went through the motions of Wednesday, I was in a fog for sure.  It was Thursday morning that I broke down and fell apart. 

You see, the chemo that Eddie has been taking should have zapped the cancer.  It is one of the highest forms of chemo – yet, it didn’t work.  Although those particular spots have not grown, they have not decreased either and other places have appeared.  So, in saying that, we are kind of stuck at a cross point on what direction to take.

So this week we have appointments every day.  Today he has a simple booster shot here in Elkin.  Then tomorrow we will be going to Duke to get a second opinion from them – and see some of their options.  Then, on Wednesday, we will be going to Baptist to do scans of the liver area to check certain spots  to see if they are cancerous or not.  If they appear to be cancerous in the scans, the next step will be to biopsy them at some point.  On Thursday, we will also be meeting with a radiologist to see about radiation treatments for the spot on Eddies head.  As this spot has grown in size, it is now becoming a concern and we are looking to see if radiation is the best option for it.  Then, on Friday, we will be going back to Baptist again to speak with their doctors about clinical trial options. 

So in saying that we have a VERY big week ahead of us.  Right now we have no news that is 100% certain.  The doctors cannot promise us anything.  As Eddie will be completing round six of chemo next week, there are decisions that must be made.  There is another form of chemo that can be taken, but the percentage of effectiveness is love - for this particular type of cancer.  OR, we can choose to do clinical trial options.  And, in doing clinical trials, although we are leaning towards one that is done by Baptist – there are still other hospitals that we might could possibly work with, or they may say something completely different.  We are currently looking at a hospital in Pennsylvania and one in Texas has been suggested, as well as a couple others. 

As you can see there is A LOT to figure out and A LOT of decisions to be made.

SOOOOOOO, in saying all of this, we are asking for your pr@yers during this time.  I am asking you to pr@y first and foremost that we continue to see His will in all of this, and are filled with a peace and knowledge that only the HS can provide us with.  We have no doubt that He is holding us, holding Eddie, in the palm of His hand right now.  We have no doubt that He will be glorified in this in some way.  But, it is also seemingly easy to get frustrated and down.  So please pr@y that as we go to all of these appointments this week that we will continue to see Him in all of this, and that we are given uplifted spirits to stay positive and strong in Him.  We have no idea at all why this is happening and we don’t even try to pretend that we do – BUT, we know that He knows the plan and that His plan is far greater than anything we could ever fathom. 

Pr@y that we are given clarity from Him on what direction and steps to take next – whether that is the other form of chemo or the clinical trials – and if we do clinical trials which hospital to work with.  We are seeking clarity from Him on what direction to take next.  Pr@y for the doctors and that they continue to be bold, truthful, and honest.  Pr@y that they too are seeking Him in all of this, and are in His will for this plan. 

And lastly, please pr@y for us as family.  Pr@y for Ed to stay positive, to stay upbeat, to stay strong in Him.  Right now it is easy to give up and give in, but that isn’t Eddie.  He is a fighter, and even more, he knows that He has a plan for his life.  Pr@y through it all that Eddie continues to seek Him, feel Him, and is filled daily with the HS’s peace beyond all understanding.   Pr@y for my sweet mama – that she remains strong.  She is toughest woman I know.  We know that the Father will never give us more than we can handle WITH Him.  Through my entire life I have seen my mama go through a lot, but not once has she wavered in her faith with Him.  What a beautiful woman of Him she is.  Please pr@y for her to continue to stay strong and know that He is right here with her every step of the way.  Pr@y for Alli as she tends to be home the most and is continuing to finish her masters.  Pr@y for Fain and Josh – that they continue to be strong and rely on Him for understanding through this all.  Pr@y for Liv, as she is about to have the two babies to herself, while Jamie is gone.  And last, pr@y for Jamie and I as we are both about to leave our family in a time like this.  Pr@y for Jamie’s safety during his deployment.

….To be honest with you, to be as transparent as I can be, I don’t want to leave right now.  Leaving my family during this time is not ideal and if I had it my way I would move my time back a bit, so that I could stay home.  But, I know that is not what I am called to do.  Again, Father calls us to LOVE HIM more than anything or anyone else – and in loving Him we are called to trust Him with the other things in life that we love.  So although leaving here, in just one week, is super hard – what a comfort it is to know that the Father has His hand on them and is taking care of them.  Father’s love for Eddie is a love so great, I cannot comprehend it.  In Luk, JC tells us “And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.  So don’t be afraid…”  Ps@lm 139 reminds us so beautifully of His love for us and His knowledge of our life; as we are reminded that He knew us before we were born – He knit us together so delicately in our mother’s womb – He hears our hearts cry and knows our every thought. 

Although I love Eddie and my family, I cannot comprehend the love that the Father has for them.  So within His words, I find the peace and comfort that I need during this time.  But, please pray that I continue to take time daily this week to constantly dig into His word and spend precious alone time with the Father each day.  Pray that the HS removes the sadness in my heart, overwhelms me with joy while I am home with my family this week, and provides me with a peace like none other for leaving.    

We need your prayers during this time.  We are so incredibly blessed with a wonderful support system that we are forever grateful for, and right now I am asking you to pray for my sweet family in this week and the weeks to come. 

Is 41:9-10

“I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, ‘You are my servant.’  For I have chosen you and will not throw you away.  Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.”